Thursday, August 8, 2013

Long time...

So, I have apparently taken a break from the blogging world... Oops.

Time flies when you are having fun. And I am... :)

Little Miss Ady loves her cucumbers!
The past few months have been difficult for me, because I am coming closer and closer to my internship in the Fall. I never thought I would be this way, but I have come to the realization that I want to be at home with Adalyn. 

I always imagined myself to be a working mom, one who has her dream job, picks up her kids from daycare each night, just in time to turn into Super Mom, who, even though she works long, hard hours, still has time to do everything for her children.

I am not sure why I saw my life going in that direction. For a large part of my childhood, my mom was at home with me. Maybe because it was just assumed by others that I would do this? 
Just hangin' out.
Anyway, reality has finally set in.

Everyone has their own perspective of how to raise a child, and to each their own. I just know how I feel about my own child, and how I want her to grow up.

I know that I don't want Adalyn in a daycare. Yes, it is great for her to socialize with other children, but she already does this. In a daycare, she will be just another kid, possibly one that does not get hugs and kisses or songs that are sung just for her. 

There is the option of a smaller home-based daycare. Here, she would probably have less children to compete against for attention. 

But, even in a home daycare, there are worries. Does she get snuggled? Does the care provider yell or hit? Will she cry herself to sleep each nap time? How long would it be before I found out? Would finishing school have been worth this?

Adalyn is very lucky that she has two wonderful grandmothers that will be taking turns watching her throughout the week. I feel very blessed in knowing this. Even still, I continue to ask myself, 'Will completing my internship be worth missing Adalyn's first steps? Her first words? What happens if each day she cries, because she just wants to spend time with Mommy?'

Some people might find this to be ridiculous. It is a child, they will get over it. It's time to cut the cord. So many parents leave their children with a daycare every day, and they are just fine. 

...Well, yes, but look at how so many of them are turning out these days... 

Just sayin'...
One of the best parts of the day is seeing what sort of imprint Adalyn's blanket has left on her face. Hehe...
I hate this feeling of not knowing what I should do. I keep telling myself that it is only one semester, and then I can be back home with Adalyn again. I will have my degree, and I won't have to worry about going back.

On the other hand, I tell myself. 15 weeks is a long time for a baby. A lot of development happens within this time. A lot that I will probably miss out on. I don't even plan to use my degree for quite some time after I graduate, if at all, so is it even worth going back now? 

I also hate the stigma that goes along with being at home with a child. People look at you like you are lazy and watch soap operas all day. I always cringe and feel like I need to lie when I get asked if I get "bored" while I am at home with Adalyn. 

Fun in the sun. :)
In reality, that just hurts. No, I do not get bored when I spend time with my child. I love it. I love watching her discover new things, singing songs to her, playing, snuggling, everything. 

I am not isolated to just her. Yes, we have alone time, but we are pretty busy during the week. No, it is not the same as working in an office, but we ago to parents' groups, go shopping, visit grandparents, hang out with other babies and mommies, etc. I even have time to enjoy long walks with her or go for a run. 

I hate having to defend something that seems so natural to me; Something that I truly enjoy.

Ugh. I just don't know what to do. 



  1. Miranda,

    I loved reading this post. Keep in mind that I am not even close to motherhood yet, but this is my advice to you/things to consider.

    if you do end up going to grad school:

    I agree that daycare is a crappy choice, but as you said, you do have family to watch her while you are away, so you won't have to worry about the quality of care she will be given

    you will be teaching her in the long run that it's okay to do things for yourself, build a career doing what you love while raising a family. (though there is NOTHING wrong with being a stay at home mom)

    If you don't go to grad school:

    you get the opportunity to be there for all her "firsts", which as we all know are priceless :)

    Maybe you could finish your last semester in a few years? you mentioned you wouldnt start your career til later, so why not? I would advise you to finish at some point though, whether it be now, or after she enters school. Why work so hard for this long, just to fall one semester short?

    bottom line: go with your gut, only you know what is right for you and for adalyn :)

  2. Thank you, Kristen! :) It is great to hear some encouraging words after hearing some not-so-encouraging words from a family member today.
    It was really difficult to communicate with this person, because they weren't actually listening to what I was saying. They had an idea of how things should be in their mind, and they just didn't want to see it any other way. They were not seeing what might be best for my family, they were only seeing what they thought was best. I am all for opinions, but they were definitely going beyond, and it was quite frustrating.
    I agree with you that I definitely need to finish! Jon and I have been discussing having me go back, but only part-time. That would mean I split up my three practicum sites into three semesters, meaning that I only am working 3-4 hours a day for only 3 or 4 days a week.
    It also would give us more flexibility with daycare.
    I definitely want Adalyn to get used to being around other people, I just don't want to give up my special time with her in order to do it. I think going half-time would strike a good balance, because she would be around others, but I wouldn't miss huge chunks of the day with her.
    I am determined to finish the program, even if it isn't the way some people want me to finish.
    When asking my mom for advice, she made a really great point, that I have 5 years to finish the program, so I can go back at any time within the 5 years. I cannot go back in time with Adalyn.
    She is growing so quickly! I don't want to miss out!